I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
