I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
