Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
