In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
