i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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