i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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