I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
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