can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
