I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
