this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
