I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
