You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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