he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
