Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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