your parents love me but you hate me
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
