dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
