he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
