I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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