I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
