i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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