btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
