You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
