He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
