Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
