Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
