I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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