Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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