I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
