And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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