I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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