Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
