I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I hate all girls vehemently.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
