Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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