I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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