woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
