Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
