Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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