so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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