Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
