No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Randomize
