U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
