Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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