if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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