if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
