I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
