I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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