my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize