just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
