Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
