Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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