the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
