I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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