The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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