I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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