Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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