My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
