Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
