i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
