What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
