My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
