a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
