every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
